Skull Punching the Elderly -or- A Beginners Guide to Spotting a Douchebag

On Wednesdays where I work, the cafeteria has chicken wings at the main course serving line. It’s pay by the ounce and a horrible deal, considering you’re really paying for the bones you don’t eat. But, every Wednesday at 1030, the line is ready to go. 

 One day, I decided I to wanted some wings. I walked down a little early and I managed to be second in line, behind a elderly, heavyset lady with a kind smile and a pleasant face. The line behind us was filling up very quickly and with minutes to go, there were more than thirty people in line. The cooks opened the cafeteria line and the wings were served. 

 Wanna take a guess how long it took me to get my wings? 

 Four minutes. 

 That kindly faced woman turned evil in those few moments. Gone was her pleasant smile. Gone was her goodly, outward nature. This new person wielded the only pair of chicken-tongs and used her ample...backside, like a pro NBA player boxing out anyone who tried to go around her. And why did this take so long? Because she was carefully, methodically and without care or regard to anyone else picked up, inspected, put back, and re-selected each individual chicken wing. When people in line began saying things hurry her, she simply began humming to herself. If they got louder, so did her humming.

 It was clear. She wasn’t oblivious to her surroundings. She just didn’t give a flying-F about anyone else. 

 She was a douchebag. 

 Douchebag means different things to different people. So for me, and for the contents of this piece, a douchebag is anyone who by action, or inaction, places their needs above others. Seemingly with contempt, self-absorption and a superiority complex. 

 So, this goes way beyond selfie-sticks, Jersey Shore knock-offs, people who emulate The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank), Joffrey from Game of Thrones or Kanye West. 

 That lady knew there were people waiting on her. But she showed no sense of alacrity as the line grew. She was going to get her exact, perfect wings and anyone who didn’t like it, could kiss her ass. And, for the first time in my life, I wanted to punch an older woman in the base of the skull. Over chicken wings.

 A couple of everyday, and small, examples are:

 The Asshole who has to back into parking spaces despite others wanting to park. Now, everyone has to stop what they are doing because the Douche needs to back in. And if confronted, they’ll claim it’s easier to pull out. 

 The person who refuses to look back and/or hold the door for others. The same goes applies to those who have to jump onto closing doors, be they elevators or mass transit. 


People who have to hold their phones out, speaker on, having loud, often profanity laden, conversations. 

There is a near infinite amount of examples out there, like people who park in handicap spaces, movie talkers,  people who set off fireworks when it isn't the 4th of July, and Dallas Cowboy Fans to name a few. But, I think you get the point

So, despite wanting to smash that lady’s head for the chicken wings, I simply turned the other cheek, waited my turn, and ate my overpriced wings. But the tale I share with others as often as possible. Partly to spin an amusing anecdote about the time I wanted to assault an older person over chicken wings. But also to spread the word of simply giving a damn about your fellow human beings. 

 Could you imagine a world where people considering others’ feelings, actions, needs and wants above their own, was common? What would that world be like? 

Well, it would probably be a lot like Utah. So...maybe we can stand a little bit of assholes...No really, Park City Utah was voted the most polite and friendly city in 2015 on

 But seriously, take the time to be mindful of others. Be considerate. Learn to drive and park like others share the road. And always, above all, question yourself daily. And ask yourself are you by action, or inaction, being a douchebag?

And of course...remember to HOLD THE GDAMN DOOR for others!

...<sniff> Big ups to Hodor!