Intentional Trolling: The Fett Family Follies
Let’s put it right out on front street: Boba Fett was one of the worst sci-fi characters ever created -AND- a perfect example of style over substance. Let me explain
Like many who grew up watching Star Wars, I loved Boba Fett. And Jango was one of the few cool things which came from the Prequel Trilogy (The others being Darth Maul...and...yeah, that’s about it).
Anyway, I was recently watching the Star Wars movies again with my own son. While watching them, I noted a few things and realized that there was nothing good, or cool, about the family known as Fett.
*Disclaimer* the following soap box rant is based off of the movies only. NOT the expanded universe in books etc. I have read a bunch of them, and let’s be honest, they were mostly crap. One or two of merit. But they are mostly fan wanking fanfic with horrible names. Hell, they often contradict the actual source material of the movies unless the Holy George descended and deemed it so. But now Disney has scrapped them and they don’t matter.
In the beginning, there was Jango Fett. And Jango was, at his time, the most bad-ass bounty hunter the Galactic Republic knew. He was feared in the outer rim and recruited for all the pimp missions. So, here we have Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus who was so impressed by the Fett fella that when the Sith solution of a Clone Army was proposed, they used this one stud as the genetic template. When somone wants over a million of you’s running around, you have to say to yourself, “Damn, I must be the man”.
As my son was oohing and ahhing at Jango and lil Boba fighting Obi Wan on the rainy platforms at Kamino, I realized something: Jango’s idiocy was what propelled the plot to this point.
Think about it. Jango sub-contracted the assassination on Amadala to the shape shifting chick Zam. Zam drops a couple of lethal bugs off in the bedroom of Amadala via droid. The plot is foiled by the wooden acting of Anakin and the burgeoning mullet of Obi Wan. So, Zam’s droid got busted, does a 180 and flies back which led the Jedi straight to her. Stupid programming for sure. But, when the Jedi finally get to her, and she is about to spill the beans, she is killed by Jango Fett.
And how did Mr. Bad-Ass kill her?
With a dart.
A Kamino Saberdart (thanks 4-armed, CGI, truck-stop, short-order cook!)
A dart which came from only one place in the galaxy. A place, I might add, which was so under wraps concerning its cloning, a mysterious figure broke into the Jedi Archives to remove its existence, preventing the Jedi from finding Kamino by accident. That dart led directly to the one place the Sith didn’t want the Jedi knowing even existed yet.
Apparently it never occurred to our rocket packed pal that perhaps he shouldn’t use a device so obscure it would lead directly to him. Perhaps shoot Zam with a dart only found on Hoth, or Tattooine? As it was, one Kamino Saber Dart later and the Jedi were on their way to Kamino. And from there, the roller coaster crap fest which was Attack of the Clones, led to the gun-juggling Jango saying goodbye to his armor, son and his head. Badass Muther F*ckin’ Master Jedi Mace Windu saw to that.
But, that was the father, so let’s look at the son. The original bad boy: Boba Fett, the helmeted hero of 8yr olds everywhere. Ranked over and over in nerd polls for being the interstellar badass.
But, badass for what?
Disintegrating his targets? All we know from the movies was he apparently worked on a Vader contract in the past and disintegrated his targets which Darth did not care for. So, he’s sloppy.
Was he badass for Capturing Han? Admittedly, Boba showed a brain in Empire and followed the Falcon to Besbin. But, all he did then was tattle to Vader about Han being on Cloud City. Then, he cowardly stood like a pimp while big pappa Vader did all the dirty work and then rolled out with a carbonite trophy. Some may call that smart. And, it was.
But, people didn’t like him because he was smart. They liked him for being this silent, mysterious, hunter-killer with a rocket pack. The same hunter-killer who, when we finally saw him in action, got schooled by a barely trained Luke and a half-blind Han.
Within the OG trilogy, Boba did more standing around and getting hype than actually doing anything. Even in the Clone Wars cartoon, he was a snotty punk who failed consistently. He is the embodiment of style over substance.
Go ahead and kiss his ass. But you know it’s true. Boba was a short, angry man, who inherited his daddy’s name, armor and ship and same cocky attitude. He also inherited his ineptitude and propensity to getting schooled by Jedi. And in the end, he became Sarlacc chow.
So, the Fett family were nothing more than arrogant, self-absorbed, short-sighted asshats. In the real world we have a word for that: Douchebag.
So, enjoy your figurines, hoodies and Mandalorian masturbation nick-knacks. But, always remember, the Fett’s were also the genetic template, and later recruiting baseline, for the misfiring, weak minded, can’t find no droids, Stormtroopers. Star Wars version of the Trek Red Shirts. Born to die.
**Intentional Trolling is a blog topic category where I pick a sacred cow and heavily critique with it. Mostly to be funny but partially to expose the stuff we overlook.
Concerning Boba Fett, let’s be honest: Boba Fett not moved merchandise and our hearts. Hell, kids who grew up loving that bastard eventually wrote books and tried like hell to retcon his death to have him escape the Sarlacc pit. I loved him the same as everyone else and one of my most favorite possessions as a kid was my Slave-1 and Boba Fett action figure.